We all know that one person who can turn everything to crap. That person who’s incapable of recognising anything good in life. That person who is depressing and exhausting to be around. That person who, if given the choice, you’d rather drive nails into your forehead than have to talk to. That person? I have become that person.
I don’t mean to be. I just can’t seem to adjust my attitude toward anything remotely positive. I hear myself tearing everything down, and I want to shut the hell up, but I don’t. My usual half-kidding cynicism has turned into full-blown hateful pessimism. I’m a total bummer.
My ability to function throughout my life has varied greatly. I have gone for years being quite high functioning. I’ve had years in which I couldn’t leave my house. The last decade has been fairly decent. Typical ups and downs (even some brutal ups and downs), but I’ve been able to function well enough to hold leadership positions at work and manage the everyday goings on of life. A couple years ago I hit a wall that I can’t seem to get around. I had to demote myself at work. I’ve had to withdraw and make my life very small in order to maintain what was left of my functionality. Yet, I’m still going from bad to worse.
The trouble is my coping skills are gone. My toolbox is empty. I’ve dropped everything that I know to be good for me, and I don’t know how to pick it back up.
I did decide to find a new therapist. I feel that I’ve gone as far as I can with my current one. She’s been great, but she doesn’t seem to understand where I am. She’s worked with me from back when I was quite capable of taking care of myself. She doesn’t get that I’m severely broken at this point. My thought processes, my functionality aren’t what they used to be. My symptoms are coming at me fast and fierce. I feel like I’m drowning. I need someone who can help me remember how to swim.
I did get on my treadmill yesterday for the first time in a couple months. I also did some yoga which felt amazing. (I have so much tension stored in my body it’s a wonder I can even move.) Today I was going to do it again, but opted for a nap instead (self-defeating behavior is my specialty).
So, all in all, I’m feeling pretty defeatist, like a lost cause. Everything I do takes so much effort that I feel completely wiped out all the time. Getting out of bed in the morning takes Herculean strength. I have to drag myself through my day. I’m at a loss for how to fix this, this shattering of my insides.