Me and My Stupid Brain

We all know that one person who can turn everything to crap. That person who’s incapable of recognising anything good in life. That person who is depressing and exhausting to be around. That person who, if given the choice, you’d rather drive nails into your forehead than have to talk to. That person? I have become that person.

I don’t mean to be. I just can’t seem to adjust my attitude toward anything remotely positive. I hear myself tearing everything down, and I want to shut the hell up, but I don’t. My usual half-kidding cynicism has turned into full-blown hateful pessimism. I’m a total bummer.

My ability to function throughout my life has varied greatly. I have gone for years being quite high functioning. I’ve had years in which I couldn’t leave my house. The last decade has been fairly decent. Typical ups and downs (even some brutal ups and downs), but I’ve been able to function well enough to hold leadership positions at work and manage the everyday goings on of life. A couple years ago I hit a wall that I can’t seem to get around. I had to demote myself at work. I’ve had to withdraw and make my life very small in order to maintain what was left of my functionality. Yet, I’m still going from bad to worse.

The trouble is my coping skills are gone. My toolbox is empty. I’ve dropped everything that I know to be good for me, and I don’t know how to pick it back up.

I did decide to find a new therapist. I feel that I’ve gone as far as I can with my current one. She’s been great, but she doesn’t seem to understand where I am. She’s worked with me from back when I was quite capable of taking care of myself. She doesn’t get that I’m severely broken at this point. My thought processes, my functionality aren’t what they used to be. My symptoms are coming at me fast and fierce. I feel like I’m drowning. I need someone who can help me remember how to swim.

I did get on my treadmill yesterday for the first time in a couple months. I also did some yoga which felt amazing. (I have so much tension stored in my body it’s a wonder I can even move.) Today I was going to do it again, but opted for a nap instead (self-defeating behavior is my specialty).

So, all in all, I’m feeling pretty defeatist, like a lost cause. Everything I do takes so much effort that I feel completely wiped out all the time. Getting out of bed in the morning takes Herculean strength. I have to drag myself through my day. I’m at a loss for how to fix this, this shattering of my insides.

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2 thoughts on “Me and My Stupid Brain

  1. I am SO proud of you for doing the treadmill. And yoga!!!!!! Please, please keep doing it. I know it pretty much feels impossible to get out of bed, let alone exercise, but since you were able to get on that treadmill and do yoga yesterday, that tells me you can do what I’m about to ask you to do.
    You are NOT a lost cause.

    Please…..read this brief article -it’s only 1-2 pgs:

    http://kuwaitmood.com/exercise-mood-part-iii-from-science-to-action/

    The author of that post, psychiatrist Dr. Alsuwaidan believes that exercise is the missing link (the way he “doses” it to his patients is essential, which is explained in the article and webinar) and exercise serves as the “panacea” for bipolar depression. He says at first his patients hate exercising per his recommendations, but then a “light switch” goes on and their mood improves.
    So I beseech you to try it. You can fix it. It sounds simplistic, but it’s worth a try.

    Dr. Alsuwaidan also did a webinar recently for the International Society of Bipolar Disorders that I listened to the first part is dense, but the second half will convince you! He’s a good speaker too. You can just sit in your bed and listen!!!

    Here’s the link to:

    “Exercise Treatment for Mood Disorder” webinar

    http://www.isbd.org/education/webinar-series

    GOOD LUCK!!!
    Dyane

    • Thank you for the information and the encouragement! The article is inspiring. I haven’t listened to the webinar yet, but will when I have time. I chose my new therapist primarily because she focuses on diet and exercise. I know in the past when I ate right and exercised everyday I felt so much better. I have to get back on the ball. I’m just in a place where it’s going to take babysteps. Like today, I needed to go to the store, and I made myself walk rather than drive. It’s not much but it’s a start.

      Again thank you for your support, Dyane. It really helps.

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