I have been feeling like complete crap. I’m dealing with the kind of depression that makes you feel like you’re stuck in tar. It hurts to do anything. I took an FMLA day on Monday and laid on the couch for hours, crying my eyes out. I literally could not stop the tears. I even fantasized about various ways of offing myself (it’s so hard to get the right balance of it being tolerable, not gruesome, and foolproof). I’m just tired of feeling terrible all the time.
That said, I did something today that makes me feel pretty good about myself. A couple hours ago lethargy got the best of me. I laid down to take a nap and while laying there I started thinking about what a waste a nap is. I goaded myself into getting up and exercising to keep myself awake. It sucked, but I did it.
While on the treadmill I did a lot of thinking. Depressive episodes can come on without any provocation, but they won’t necessarily go away without a fight. I’m not really fighting, at least not much. I feel tired, weak, and powerless. So where can I find power? What do I feel worst about and what might I do to fix it? I realized that the two things that I’m beating myself up over the most are my weight and money.
I’m a backwards bipolar. I have better impulse control when I’m manic than I do when I’m depressed. Depression makes me feel like ‘fuck it’. If I want to eat an entire pizza, I’ll eat an entire pizza. If I want to spend money on pointless stuff, I’ll spend money. What does it matter? Life sucks anyway. As a result, I’ve gained nearly 50 pounds in slightly less than a year and my bank account is running considerably lower than normal. I’ve decided that this is where I’ll start.
In my career I’ve heard ‘plan your work and work your plan’ so many times it kinda makes me throw up in my mouth when someone says it. However, the idea behind it is correct. Thus I am instating Work It Wednesdays. I’m going to give myself tiny, little, baby-step goals to work on through the week, touchbase on Wednesday, and give myself something more to work on.
This week I’m giving myself 3 goals:
- Exercise — I have to spend at least 20 minutes on my treadmill daily. I can go as slow as I need to, but MUST go for 20 minutes. I’ll work on building the habit, then on increasing the stamina.
- Stand Up Breaks — I added an app called Take a Break to Chrome. It lets me know when I’ve been sitting on the computer for an hour. The goal is to get up at each reminder and move for at least 5 minutes.
- Spending Cap — I’m giving myself a budget of $50 a week for personal spending. This includes lunches, snacks, and random junk I tend to pick up on my way home from work.
I feel inspired for the first time in a long time. If I can drag my lazy, depressed butt onto a treadmill when I feel this awful, I should be able to accomplish nearly anything.