The Ties that Bind and Gag

I didn’t realize how long it had been since I’ve updated. Blogging and blog reading is cathartic for me. I should use it more frequently.

The holidays were okay. Nothing tragic, or exciting.

I’ve recently been in touch with one of my paternal aunts which is a pretty big deal. My mother had a massive falling out with her mother-in-law about 24 years ago. We haven’t seen my dad’s side of the family since.

My grandma wants to see me. Mood-wise, it’s difficult. I can’t handle stress well right now. The traveling. The interacting. It will be hard. But she’s 85. I can’t not go. And ultimately I’m really glad she does want to see me. All these years I haven’t known how my dad’s family felt about me. Did they hold my mom against me? Did they just not care? I’m not really close to anyone on my mom’s side. The potential that I might have good ties to an extended family is exciting.

I did manage to push back the visit a little bit. Partly to give myself time to (hopefully) get out of this weird mood spot, partly because of the crazy winter weather. I don’t want to risk traveling 600 miles into a blizzard. I’ll see where things stand at the end of February and go from there.

I’m going to take my daughter with me. She’s my grandma’s first great grandchild and they’ve never met. My daughter’s 19. She’s super happy about going. My only sibling died 11 years ago, so my daughter hasn’t had the experience of having doting aunts and uncles and lots of cousins to hang out with. It would be great for her to have the chance to build that connection. 

The interesting part is going to be telling my parents that I’m going. As far as my mother is concerned my grandma is still the devil. (Twenty-four years, zero forgiveness.) Never mind the fact that I feel like my mother actually holds about 80% of the blame for what happened. It was a case of one person got a little over the top, then the next person goes a little more. And no one can go more over the top than my mother. She’s not even aware that there is a top. She has no concept of a stopping point.

So I’m nervous, but hopeful. I think it’s going to be good.

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