So it’s been awhile. I’ve thought about blogging from time to time then I don’t. I don’t know why.  

I’m coming out of a really horrible mixed episode. Lots of ick and craziness. That wasn’t fun, but the upside is I found out that Buspar knocks it out fairly well. I’m happy about having that in my arsenal. It’s funny. I’ve had that med in my cabinet for a long time now. I refused to take it because, well, I hate taking meds. So to find out that I’ve suffered needlessly off and on since filling the script makes me feel dumb. I guess my psychiatrist knows what he’s doing.

I’ve lost 30 pounds which I’m stoked about. I want to lose 60 more. (Perhaps a little more even. I’ll figure that out when I get there.) I’m trying to prepare more meals from something-close-to scratch. Some weeks I do well at it, some weeks I don’t. My biggest obstacle is that I hate cooking. Like, HATE cooking. Tossing a frozen pizza in the oven is about all the cooking I can stand. But I’m trying. I did my grocery shopping today and bought a lot of produce. I have a big bowl of fruit sitting on the counter and enough veggies to make a salad everyday.

I think I’ve talked myself into starting college during the Spring semester. I just turned 39, so going back to school is daunting, but I can’t deal with my job/career anymore. I’ve never liked it. I decided it’s time to do something about it. The trick is figuring out what I want to do. I’m thinking either the mental health field or maybe get into the nonprofit sector. I want to do something that matters, something that makes me feel good.

So that’s where I am. I need to write more because it helps. It’s also incredibly helpful to me to read your blogs. That connection, that sense of not being alone is so therapeutic.


Work It Wednesday…On Thursday

I missed posting yesterday because I played a computer game with my daughter instead. I feel the time was well spent.

So my goals for last week were:

1. Workout 20 minutes a day.

2. Take breaks from my computer every hour.

3. Keep to a budget of $50.

How’d I do? Eh.

1. Exercise has been hit and miss, but it used to be nonexistent. It may not be perfection, but it’s progress.

2. I’m not finding it as annoying to walk away from my computer as I thought I would. I move around for five minutes, get my heart rate up, then go right back to wasting my life.

3.I was not good at sticking to my budget. I used my card while mentally tracking my spending. Turns out I’m a big, fat liar. This week I’m pulling $50 cash out my account, leaving no wiggle room. When it’s gone, I’m done.

I’m going to stick with it. I didn’t do as well as I told myself I would, yet I did something which is a huge improvement over doing nothing. I’m not going to allow my innate perfectionism to ruin my progress. 

For this week I want to work on building the habit of drinking a smoothie everyday. Sounds easy, but it’s not because these smoothies suck. Basically I take random fruits and veggies, toss them in the blender, and drink whatever comes out. Last night I made one with 1.5 limes, half an apple, half a pear, and 1 whole large beet. It was like drinking a cup of dirt. Look at all the fruit and veggie servings I got though. It took me two minutes to make it and a minute to drink it. It’s especially worth it since I’m not going to cook and eat things like beets (gross!). I just have to remember to do it every day.

My depression is still pretty thick. I thought I was doing a fairly good job of functioning until I complained to a friend that I didn’t want to go to therapy today. She got a concerned look on her face and told me that I’ve been feeling bad this week and I need to go. So much for concealing my symptoms.

No Treble

Funny story. When I left the store today I started singing (out loud) “All About That Bass” as I walked across the parking lot. When I got to the part that goes “Uh that booty, booty,” I just happened to be stepping out from the side of an SUV and there was a woman bent over with her butt in the air. She didn’t react, but I was mortified. I hope she didn’t hear me and if she did she doesn’t think I was making fun of her. (Note to self: Do not sing about booty in public.)

Speaking of booty, I can’t believe how out of shape mine is. Even though I’m fat, I was still able to walk at a brisk pace for an extended period of time. I could walk up a couple flights of stairs without issue. I was even flexible enough to do yoga. However, slowly over the past year I’ve been moving less and less and sitting more. And, man, is it showing now that I’m getting back into exercising. Walking for twenty minutes straight is uncomfortable and just touching my toes is a serious stretch. I’m trying not to focus on the negative (how did I let this happen?!?) but rather on the positive (I’m going to make this better!) because I am determined to fix this.

Work It Wednesday

I have been feeling like complete crap. I’m dealing with the kind of depression that makes you feel like you’re stuck in tar. It hurts to do anything. I took an FMLA day on Monday and laid on the couch for hours, crying my eyes out. I literally could not stop the tears. I even fantasized about various ways of offing myself (it’s so hard to get the right balance of it being tolerable, not gruesome, and foolproof). I’m just tired of feeling terrible all the time.

That said, I did something today that makes me feel pretty good about myself. A couple hours ago lethargy got the best of me. I laid down to take a nap and while laying there I started thinking about what a waste a nap is. I goaded myself into getting up and exercising to keep myself awake. It sucked, but I did it.

While on the treadmill I did a lot of thinking. Depressive episodes can come on without any provocation, but they won’t necessarily go away without a fight. I’m not really fighting, at least not much. I feel tired, weak, and powerless. So where can I find power? What do I feel worst about and what might I do to fix it? I realized that the two things that I’m beating myself up over the most are my weight and money.

I’m a backwards bipolar. I have better impulse control when I’m manic than I do when I’m depressed. Depression makes me feel like ‘fuck it’. If I want to eat an entire pizza, I’ll eat an entire pizza. If I want to spend money on pointless stuff, I’ll spend money. What does it matter? Life sucks anyway. As a result, I’ve gained nearly 50 pounds in slightly less than a year and my bank account is running considerably lower than normal. I’ve decided that this is where I’ll start.

In my career I’ve heard ‘plan your work and work your plan’ so many times it kinda makes me throw up in my mouth when someone says it. However, the idea behind it is correct. Thus I am instating Work It Wednesdays. I’m going to give myself tiny, little, baby-step goals to work on through the week, touchbase on Wednesday, and give myself something more to work on.

This week I’m giving myself 3 goals:

  1. Exercise — I have to spend at least 20 minutes on my treadmill daily. I can go as slow as I need to, but MUST go for 20 minutes. I’ll work on building the habit, then on increasing the stamina.
  2. Stand Up Breaks — I added an app called Take a Break to Chrome. It lets me know when I’ve been sitting on the computer for an hour. The goal is to get up at each reminder and move for at least 5 minutes. 
  3. Spending Cap — I’m giving myself a budget of $50 a week for personal spending. This includes lunches, snacks, and random junk I tend to pick up on my way home from work.

I feel inspired for the first time in a long time. If I can drag my lazy, depressed butt onto a treadmill when I feel this awful, I should be able to accomplish nearly anything.